More Nightime Musings - King Arthur, Trust, and Romance

Of all the times to be up late. This has been one hell of an evening. I had a really unexpected, but good, talk with a new friend, and I renewed a friendship with two old friends. I seem to be doing a lot of chasing around these days, trying to meet new people and renew friendships, with mixed and unusual results. But, I suppose that is a sign of the times -- nothing stays constant, right?



So here's the deal. It's very easy to flirt and attract someone's attention. It's very difficult to maintain it and develop it into a real relationship, be it as a friendship, a romance, or a business relationship. It's hard these days to get people to invest in a relationship, regardless of age, gender, or social status. People are generally distrustful, selfish, and unwilling to open up and share who they are with another. Building trust is not as simple as just "trusting" someone, you have to invest, you have to prove yourself to another, you have to be man or woman enough to trust first without proof that the other is worthy.



I read a good book about virtual leadership that dealt with trust. It defined several behaviors that will build trust, and used examples from King Arthur's time as symbols of types of trusting activities. The book is Virtual Leadership: Secrets from the Round Table for the Multi-Site Manager by Jaclyn Kostner, Ph.D. I highly recommend this book, but the following examples help summarize Kostner's approach:

• Excalibur - in the shape of a T, Excalibur is to remind us not of might and power, but of trust. It takes a stronger, more powerful leader to set down the sword than to pick it up.
• The Round Table - a symbolic reminder of the necessary communication that trust is built on
• Mentoring - mentoring builds trust through the sharing of knowledge
• Championing - championing the cause of another builds trust because it shows investment in the individual being championed
• Vision - common vision builds trust and cooperation between individuals

So how do you apply that to a romantic relationship? In much the same way. Excalibur holds true in a romantic relationship, in that might and power have no business in a romantic relationship -- it should be a common collaborative relationship. The Round Table also applies, as communication is key to any strong relationship, be it romantic or otherwise. Mentoring, or teaching the other about ourselves, is a strong way to foster and develop a common understanding. Championing, or taking up the other's cause, can apply in a relationship via support for the other's challenges and problems. And finally, Vision is important in that it is a shared perspective on the future plans and dreams of the couple.



Be it friendship or romantic relationship or business relationship, these five concepts are useful, practical, and show where we clearly go wrong in our interpersonal relationships. All too often we become selfish and see things only through our own eyes, without looking to see the other's viewpoint. We fight for our own cause, but fail to provide adequate support to our friends, and our loves. We miscommunicate regularly, resulting in gaps, or chasms, between us. All of this is able to be fixed, but we have to want to invest. Willingness and desire to invest are perhaps the biggest key to all of this -- you have to want it.



So where do I fall in all of this? I would say I struggle with Excalibur -- the sword feels too comfortable in my hands sometimes, particularly at work. The Round Table is an area of strength for me, though I struggle, as a technogeek, to be understood. Mentoring is something I am good at, even with the unwilling mentee. It just takes time. Championing is perhaps an area of struggle, in that it is easier to fight my own cause, and I have been guided for so many years to be clear about not including others perspectives/commitment to the cause without first ensuring that they are in fact committed. And finally Vision -- I can build a common vision, but it does take time, and it requires the foundation of the first four categories before the vision can take hold.



I am making this post and leaving this mark on my own personal history tonight as a means of being able to come back and remember this evening. Tonight I learned more about who I am, and who I want to be. Mostly, who I am is who I want to be, minus a couple of tweaks. At any rate, here is my bookmark, to remind me of a truly unusual evening that lasted into the wee hours of the morning.

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